My experience as a foster mother of young children and also as a speech and language therapist in community and hospital clinics, has shown me that behaviour problems inhibit other aspects of development. I eventually left my profession in search of another, simpler way of working with adults and children with complex needs. Having studied the principles of healing and taught holistic therapies, my perception and approach has shifted radically.
Parents often cry out for help as they struggle to assert their authority, fearing that they may add to the difficulties that their child is already experiencing. I have endeavoured to reassure parents that this is usually not the case because once the child begins to control their behaviour within established parameters with the realisation that it’s their parents who are in charge not them, other problems often resolve amazingly quickly. This usually leads to a general improvement in all aspects of communication.
The following advice has been consolidated over the years through trial and error experience with my own family and with the parents and children I have met in my working life. My aim is to build a parent’s confidence in managing their child’s behaviour and show them how to restore peace to their home by dealing successfully with temper tantrums.
Children, as we know, can be wilful and enjoy testing those whom they perceive to be in authority.
During the second year, the infant is developing a sense of self as separate from others, particularly the mother. This manifests as frustration when gratification is not forthcoming.
Parents need to help their child to learn a degree of self control and a framework for acceptable behaviour.
It’s important that both parents present a united front, even if they are living apart, otherwise the child will manipulate the situation and as parents find to their cost, the child will play one parent against the other.
It will help enormously, if parents are able to sit down together and agree to write down the rules of behaviour they will not allow and then say ‘No‘ in a firm, calm voice when their child breaks the agreed rules. As parents, we know that criticising each other’s attempts to maintain control does not build confidence when we are trying to change our approach. It’s important that we support each other, rather than playing ‘good cop’ ‘bad cop’.
I have found that children need consistency or they will be confused. Therefore when you say NO, mean NO. (Initially the child will keep going in the hope that you will change your mind.)
However hard it feels, please don’t give in to your child once you have said NO.
Be consistent in your approach, don’t give in to your child tomorrow when you have said NO today.
Don’t shout. ~ A voice raised in anger will affect a child’s ability to hear and carry out an instruction because their own fears will be triggered and the emotion will inhibit their ability to think and act.
Turn your attention away from your child when you have said NO to his/her behaviour. Disengage and leave the room if possible. However hard it feels as a Mum, please ignore any crying, do not cuddle, encourage or cajole because this will reinforce the bad behaviour.
Ignore your child’s objections and protests and give lots of positive attention to whatever you are doing making it so interesting and exciting that even though your child is cross because they can’t get what they want and have no audience to annoy or frustrate they will eventually turn their attention to whatever it is you are doing, even if it’s washing up.
Don’t offer the dummy to pacify your child when he/she is cross.
If you give in, you are giving a signal that your child’s bad behaviour works and they will repeat it and will lose respect for you because your child will feel that they are in charge, not you.
Do not bribe or threaten.
Stay calm, if you get angry you will escalate their response and build the drama.
I promise you that once your child realises that what they are doing doesn’t work they will eventually stop. This may take some time, depending on your belief that this new approach will work and how determined your child is. Be patient, they will stop if they know you won’t give in to them.
Do not ask your child why they behaved as they did, they will not be able to answer you because it was an emotional response which they will not understand or be able to express in words immediately after the event. They may be able to talk about it at a later time when they have calmed down and they can see and feel that you are not cross.
Inappropriate behaviour
If the child is behaving in a way that you consider to be dangerous, tell them to stop and sit them on the bottom of the stairs or take them to their own room for an allotted time of three minutes, if the child is three years old and four minutes if the child is four years old etc.
You could use an egg timer or a cookery timer. Tell the child briefly why they are sitting on the step. Children enjoy watching the sand draining away into the bottom container.
At the end of the allotted sitting out time, ask the child to say sorry to you.
If your child says sorry give them a cuddle and carry on normally (you love them but you don’t like what they were doing).
If your child refuses to apologise return them to the step to sit out for another period of three minutes.
If your child gets up from the step during the sitting out time, calmly and firmly lead them back to where they were sitting. Tell them quietly and calmly that it is not time to play yet.
Do not engage in conversation or reason with your child. Start the egg timer or cookery timer again for three minutes. If your child persists, repeat this process until they remain seated. Do not give in to your child, however hard it feels in the beginning.
If your child damages anything deliberately in temper, breaks anything deliberately or hurts anyone deliberately, remain calm, tell them to stop and sit them on the bottom of the stairs or take them to their own room for the allotted three minutes (use the Egg Timer). Tell them briefly and clearly why this is happening. All behaviour is a form of communication and children who behave angrily in this way, do so because they are unable to express in words what they are feeling and the emotion takes over. The more you can deal with it in a calm way, the more it will help your child to manage and control their own behaviour and the words will come.
‘(David) I can see you are angry (name the feeling, it will help the child to express their feelings in words at another time) but you are sitting on the step because you …….’
Remain calm. Do not shout or raise your voice.
(Many parents who have sought advice, practise the Emerald Alignment technique in order to align their own energy and stabilise their emotional responses because the child will mirror the anxiety and frustration of a parent.) A Musicical Magic CD with an alignment for children is also available .
SIMPLICITY IS THE KEY TO GOOD COMMUNICATION
(Extract taken from my manual: ‘Happy Talk’ available as a website download)
Remember communication is a turn taking activity. If the child has difficulty waiting for their turn in any activity they will have difficulty following the rules of communication.
Use your child’s name when you want to attract their attention so that the child knows that you are talking to them.
Your child will need to look at your face to see your eyes and mouth and to read your body language (facial expression, body position, movement etc.) in order to begin to understand what you are saying to them.
Make sure that your facial expression and gesture match what you are saying. Do not smile if you are reprimanding your child, this will give a conflicting message. The child will take more notice of the smile than the words you are saying.
Adults and children receive about 75% of their communication signals from the tone of the voice, facial expression and body language.
Learning to Wait
We are in an age of immediate gratification where we are unwilling to wait ‘we want it all and we want it now.’ It’s not helpful to offer unlimited choices as this creates confusion.
Respect for Others
Children have lost their ability to wait. Parents bribe and cajole and all too easily give in to their child’s feigned protests and crocodile tears. Abortive attempts are made to fill the bottomless pit of emotional need with technological gadgets and sugary food.
Many children no longer have respect for a hierarchy of authority and experience and are therefore no longer obedient. Through respect for firm and fair parenting and teachers and authority figures who don’t abuse their power, children learn that their own needs are not necessarily of first priority.
Reading your child a bedtime time story and singing nursery rhymes with your child is so important . In my research I have discovered the healing impact of the human voice and am aware that the human voice offers the best nourishment for the brain. Reading to your child helps to build that close bond and it improves the child’s confidence and listening skills in a relaxed way, which enhances their ability to produce correct speech sounds without shining a torch on their specific difficulty. Fairy tales are an excellent way of illustrating respect and obedience and show the child that it’s possible to face challenges and disappointments which are part of life . By adapting our behaviour, we are able to triumph over adversity .
To respond appropriately children need to know who is in charge. Those who have not learnt this lesson can grow up to be demanding and inconsiderate. Through cooperation, taking turns and waiting patiently for their opportunity children will understand and learn the balance of giving and receiving.
Sensory Rainbow and Happy Talk are offered as free download teaching manuals for those working with children with special needs and impaired communication.
My experience as a foster mother of young children and also as a speech and language therapist in community and hospital clinics, has shown me that behaviour problems inhibit other aspects of development. I eventually left my profession in search of another, simpler way of working with adults and children with complex needs. Having studied the principles of healing and taught holistic therapies, my perception and approach has shifted radically.
Don’t offer the dummy to pacify your child when he/she is cross.
You could use an egg timer or a cookery timer. Tell the child briefly why they are sitting on the step. Children enjoy watching the sand draining away into the bottom container.
(Extract taken from my manual: ‘Happy Talk’ available as a website download)
To respond appropriately children need to know who is in charge. Those who have not learnt this lesson can grow up to be demanding and inconsiderate. Through cooperation, taking turns and waiting patiently for their opportunity children will understand and learn the balance of giving and receiving.